(We are the Champions by Queen playing in the background…) I am the champion, my friends! And I’m firing rockets til’ the end!!!
Guess what I got in the mail today? Yes, I did get a few bills but that wasn’t a good guess… that is a daily fact! Nope folks, today… in the mail… I finally got a rocket-firing, Boba Fett Star Wars action figure!!! (Crowd roaring and applauding) I know, I know… “How did you get so lucky Kenny?” you might be asking me right now. Well, let me give you a little Kenny Hoff history to explain my good fortune.
I am a little kid inside. There is a part of me that will never grow up, and honestly I think that’s healthy. The modern, adult life can be extremely stressful and trying sometimes. Responsibility will give you white hair really fast and so I keep a slice of who I am at about age 9. I believe that children are the most creative people on the planet and they also see the truth. It’s not shrouded by all of the rules, etiquette, and mistrust of the adult life. Childhood is pure until the world spoils it. That’s why I like to hold on to a part of mine and that’s where my creativity and goofiness come from.
So that 9-year-old in me is a huge Star Wars fan. Has been since it was 7 years old. Back before the Empire Strikes Back was released, a special mail-in action figure was offered to the public if you sent in enough UPC symbols from your Star Wars figure packages.
It was a Boba Fett action figure, some new guy that was going to be in the next Star Wars film. Only I didn’t need to mail in for mine, because some kid gave me his on the playground. Not sure why, but he did. Honestly, I didn’t even know it was a Star Wars figure when he gave it to me. It took me several years to figure that out but it looked cool and it had a backpack that looked like it would fire a red rocket from it, so of course I wanted it when he offered.
The only downside was that the rocket didn’t fire. I found out years later that a lot of the little boy toys around that time period that fired spring-loaded missles were banned/outlawed because some kid shot a missle down the back of his throat and choked on it. (I believe he had one of the original, rocket-firing Battlestar Galatica ships. What moron would do that? Everyone knows you’re supposed to be aiming them at your little sister’s eye!) Legislation ensued and suddenly we couldn’t have cool toys anymore. The prototype for the original Boba Fett action figure had a firing rocket, but was adjusted before actual production and released with a non-firing missle glued into the backpack. Bummer.
So how did I get my hands on this one? Honestly, I’m not really sure. The same process applied today as it did years ago… you send in some UPC symbols and a check and one day several weeks later it shows up on your doorstep. But this one DOES shoot rockets. I sort of suddenly feel like an outlaw or something. I wonder if the cops know about this? I haven’t heard about any anti-anti-shooting-spring-loaded-plastic-missles-down-your-throat legislature passing through Congress lately. (Of course those knuckle heads would actually bring something like this to the floor!) Why is it okay today?
I guess I shouldn’t complain. The only people who can afford sending off for these things are grown adults with 9 years old inside them, who will debate with themselves for years about taking the stupid thing out of the package. This is sorta like that old saying about trees making any noise falling if no one’s around to hear it. Does the rocket really fire if you won’t take it out of the package?
Maybe on my deathbed, I’ll take it out of the package, fire a missle at a nurse, and say I really lived!